Where's the JOY?

I feel something pulling and tugging on my heart these last several weeks. It makes me uncomfortable and sometimes makes me cry. I can't help but feel my heart beat faster and harder and then this uncontrollable explosion of "I don't know what" takes place and I don't know what to do with it. Is this God speaking to me? Is it the Holy Spirit trying to get me to see something that I am missing out on? Is it perhaps just my hormones from having a baby a few months ago trying to find a balance? I don't have a response but I feel like I can put my finger on what I should put my focus and energy into.
Finding JOY!
Not that I don't have any. I have felt rather joyful lately, but do I have enough of it? Does my joy stand out? Would my friends look at me and describe me as joyful? I hope so but I doubt it. I have a few friends that I could describe as joyful and I love them for that because it helps me stay upbeat! They don't have perfect lives or perfect pasts. As a matter of fact their pasts are much less joyful than what my past was for me. I have never experienced any kind of tragedy, or any kind of loss. I have watched many others suffer from awful things that would probably cause me to fall into a deep depression. I can't say that I have ever been truly depressed about anything. I have been sad and angry about many things. I have gotten over them quickly because they were small things. Small enough that I should not have been sad or angry for any longer than a day. Am I lucky or am I blessed? I'm not sure I would be classified as either but in a way it scares me to view myself as lucky or blessed. The reason it scares me so much is because I feel too lucky sometimes and hope that there isn't some tragedy waiting for me to have to live through, to cry over, to mourn over, and have to find beauty in the pain. I don't think I would be strong enough so rather than worry about what could happen, I want to focus on the JOY that I have now!
The kind of joy that is so hard to understand! The joy that fills the face of the one who lost a husband to cancer. The joy that fills the faces of the children in other countries that lose both parents to a disease and find enough joy in them to pass their joy onto others. The joy that fills the hearts of a mother and father who hold their newborn twin baby boys long enough to say goodbye. The joy that fills the room with singing and dancing by a group of children who have nothing left but the love of Christ.
I don't understand it because I have never been in their shoes. I try to think about what it must be like. It pains me some to think about how a person must feel to go through the rest of life with the memory of someone they loved so much. Even knowing they will see them again one day in heaven, it can't be easy to find that JOY.
Last night I had the opportunity for the 2nd time to see the African Children's Choir sing at our church. They bring so much JOY with them. I am almost embarrassed by the amount of joy they have compared to what little joy I have. I wanted to get up on stage and sing and dance with them and share in the joy they have! To Celebrate with them in the joy that God gives them! Thanks to these kids so many people left last night with an idea of what true joy looks like in the smiles and eyes of those who have lost so much at such a young age.
Joy...I want more of it and I pray my joy can increase without having to experience the pain so many people I know have had to live through to find it.