Scrambled Part Two

My weekend turned out pretty great considering that I only slept for an hour on Friday night. Sunday night was wonderful! My little boy decided to go 11 hours before getting up to eat! That was a great Valentine's Day present from him.  I hope he keeps this up!
I brought up my thoughts about living a life God calls us to live to my wonderful husband Joe on Saturday night. I love talking to him about where I am in my walk with Christ and all the questions I have about the Bible. I respect his thoughts and he always has a lot of good advice and is able to help me sort through my scrambled thoughts.  We both ended up feeling like we really wanted to pursue this mystery of what it looks like for us to live a Holy life in our day in age.
The following lyrics are a song called Help Me Believe by Nicole Nordeman. I love her lyrics and this song describes a lot of what I am feeling at this point in my spiritual walk.

Take me back to the time
When I was maybe eight or nine
And I believed
when Jesus walked on waters blue
and If he helped me I could to
If I believed
Before rational analysis and systematic thinking
Robbed me of a sweet simplicity
When wonders and when mysteries
Were far less often silly dreams
and Childhood fantasies
CHORUS:
Help me believe
'cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe i'd see
Much better by closing my eyes
and I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
To touch an Angels wing
And I would be free
Help me believe
When mustard seeds made mountians move
A burning bush that spoke for you
was good enough
when manna fell from heavens high
Just because you told the sky to open up
Am I to wise to recognize that everything uncertain
is certainly a possibility
When logic fails my reasoning
and science crushes underneath
The weight of all that is unseen
CHORUS
When someone elses education
plays upon my reservation
I'm the first to cave
I'm the first to bleed
If I abandoned all that seeks
To make my faith informed and chic
Could you?
would you?
show your self to me? 

It's almost like the world I live in has desensitized itself to what it means to live with Christ. Our focus is all wrong. We live for ourselves and no one else. We don't rely on God anymore because we don't need him.  Well, we really do need God, it just seems to be easy to forget that we need him in modern day, especially with all the money this country has!  It seems to be that the less we have the more we rely on God. It brought me to think of as many people I know that I admire and look up too for the way they live their life and who I would go to for advice.  I could only think of 2, maybe 3 people who I truly look up too.  Wow! Then I began to think about me and the kind of person I want to be know as after I die.  
"oh Melissa was a nice person"
"Melissa was a good mom and wife"
Boy would that be depressing or what!  I sure hope I can start to figure out what this holy way of living is supposed to look like for my life. What do I need to get rid of in my life that distracts me from God. Probably TV for a start. I am addicted to so many shows.  Food is another one of those distractions. Maybe I should fast?  You wouldn't think food could distract you from God but why does the Bible talk so much about fasting if it's not an important spiritual discipline. We sure have plenty food in this country. Not very many starving people around here, and yet people are dying across the world from starvation and we continue to waste our money away on sports, movies, electronics, cars, big houses(gotta keep up with the Jones').  I could go on but I don't need to because you could name a few in your own minds. Why are those things such a necessity? They aren't coming with us when we die!  I know it is important to have a reliable and safe car when you have a family, and such, but I can't think of very many things that I couldn't live without.
So I am still seeking answers to what a holy life looks like. It's not about how often I read my Bible, or pray, or go to church. It's a good thing God is the only one that knows my heart. No one can judge me, and if they do, it isn't going to make a difference as to whether I go to heaven or not.  I just hope that I can grow and mature into the woman of integrity that God intended for me to be, that's all.  I only want to God to find favor with me like he did with those in the bible.  God still performs miracles. He heals, protects, provides, and comforts. We just may not see it as much because we aren't looking or don't believe he will.
Mark 9:23 Everything is possible for him who believes."
"I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"